Weekend Football

Superb tipping from Gerry here: he’s shout of: ‘The Israelis are a must-bet at 2.80 to avoid defeat’ was spot as Isreal fot the win against Russia that kept England in the competition.

On the third day… Heroes again

The wife is easily influenced by the mainstream media. Ever since the BBC first aired ‘Heroes’, she believes she has supernatural abilities. I’ve tried to explain that ‘sensing’ I’m not in a romantic mood does not equate to a ‘power’; she’s merely deduced that I haven’t been drinking heavily.

I, however, have a genuine gift. I can make kitchen appliances spring to life just by talking to them. Just last night, I switched the oven on by staring it and growling, “Cook… Cook now… Cook now or else.” It was a pressure cooker.

Tal Ben-Haim definitely has a unique ability, he can run in slow motion in real time. The plodding defender will become a bona fide English hero if Israel snatch a result against Russia.

The Russians have been priced up at 1.53 for the match, and that’s shorter than Paul McCartney’s arms. Only Croatia have won a competitive international in Israel over the last eight years; while France, England and Spain have all fell considerably short. The Israelis are a must-bet at 2.80 to avoid defeat.

If I had the choice of a new power to acquire, it would definitely be the ability to afford copious amounts of alcohol without the need for employment. Only the rich and the Scottish can currently pull this off.

The Jocks are one win away from arguably the greatest shock in international football since Ryan Giggs played two consecutive games for Wales. The Sweaties are formidable in front of their own supporters; 4.33 is verging on tempting.

Peter Reid, Terry Venables and Ron Atkinson have all been linked with the vacant managerial hotseat with the Republic of Ireland. Even after 400 years; we never tire of stitching up the Irish.

Ireland may be rudderless, but they face a Welsh team with even less direction. Wales have definitely gone backwards under John ‘one good decision’ Toshack; his penultimate game in charge may well end in a draw at 3.25.

Many people are under the false impression that it was the English who invented the beautiful game. It’s a little known fact that it was actually an Irishman whose potato was too hot. I think we all know that Denmark are too strong for Northern Ireland at 2.25.

For a modern day footballer, a healthy diet is absolutely essential – so I’m guessing that Sir Alex Ferguson is far from happy with Ronaldo. The orange winger is quoted as saying, “I dated a girl from Manchester, and she showed me that steak pies and chips are very good.” I was left flabbergasted by this revelation: Ronaldo dated a girl. Portugal are the weekend banker at 1.08 against Armenia.

The more I think about it, the most useful super-power to possess would definitely be X-ray vision. Imagine the possibilities: you could wander around the streets at night, checking for fractured metatarsals. I can see right through the 1.50 for a Czech Republic win over Slovakia.

When angry, I am blessed with super-human strength. All it would take for me to lift the wife clear up into the air is mild provocation and a forklift truck. Spain will run over Sweden at a hefty 1.80.

As much as I enjoy being able to pick up overweight women, I’d much rather be invisible; like the 1939 – 1945 chapter in a German history book. We won’t be seeing 1.17 for a Germany win over Cyprus for very long.

One often underrated power is the ability to absorb the strengths of those around you. I could meet up with Arsene Wenger and ooze intelligence, chat with Jeff Stelling and become cool, or sit down with Oliver Holt and write inane drivel. I’m definitely feeling the 2.25 for Norway against the soon to be eliminated Turks.

Time travel remains the ultimate goal for all sci-fi obsessed nerds. There’s no doubt that the world could potentially be changed for the better: we could eliminate the cause of wars, famine, disease and Frank Lampard. Nothing can stop Denmark, Portugal, Czech Republic, Spain, Germany and Norway from landing a 12.00 accer.