Beyond ridiculous

	This was a double act with two straight men – the first since Mike and Bernie Winters

American Football combines the very worst features of American life – frantic violence punctuated by committee meetings. It’s practically unwatchable, except for the 140 million in the States and the 850 million worldwide who watch the Super Bowl every year. That’s a hell of a lot of halfwits.

I’ll come clean – American Football is not my game. Until a week ago I thought a quarterback was a refund. So I more than anyone had to watch Beyond The NFL(Sky One) for a crash course. Big mistake.

The pairing as presenters of former England rugby captain Martin Johnson and Manchester City goalkeeper David James must have seemed a good idea in early planning meetings but it quickly became apparent that Johnson and James had all the chemistry of a stink bomb.

David James is to television what David James is to football. Johnson’s eyes seem so sunken that you suspect a shipwreck to be lurking there. Beyond The NFL? He’s more Beyond The Poseidon Adventure. This is Johnson when told by a Seattle Seahawks kit-man that two of the players wore size 17 boots. ‘Size 17 – that’s a big foot.’ Thanks for enlightening us, Mart.

A shot in the dark

Incidentally, I can tell you that the size of your feet, contrary to public opinion, bears absolutely no relation to the size of your manhood. I was sitting in a pub one night and a girl came up and asked what size shoes I was wearing. ‘Size 14,’ I replied.’ ‘Oooh,’ she said. ‘Is it true what they say about men with big feet?’ And I suggested she come home with me to find out. After a night doing what comes naturally she got dressed, took £50 out of her purse, and handed it to me. ‘Oh come on,’ I said. ‘You don’t have to pay me.’ ‘I’m not paying you,’ she said. ‘Take this money and buy a pair of shoes that fit.’

Johnson was positively Paxmanesque in his interviewing technique compared to James, whose inept fumbling when grilling the Seahawk cheerleaders was as toe-curling as his inept fumbling in an England shirt.

‘Do you meet up outside these training camps and do a bit together?’ he asked.

David James? This was 100% Sid James. And he did indeed carry on: ‘Your equivalents in the UK are all 21, single, and looking for a player to… you know.’ Johnson caught the bug too. When James wondered aloud how many natural blondes there were among the 32 girls, the former England captain said: ‘That’s a completely different investigation entirely.’

You half expected a semi-naked Barbara Windsor to wander into shot vainly trying to conceal her boobs. Cheerleaders in American football have always fascinated me. I’ve always said the only purpose women have in sport is either to throw a garland over the winner or totter around the ring with a number card. But there’s no doubt in America these girls add a much-needed splash of colour and fluff to a desperately dull sport.

Undeniably beautiful, they all have the butter-wouldn’t-melt girl-next-door look yet deep down you know they are shacked up with the guy with the big feet. The bastard. Sky touched unbelievably lucky in plumping for the Seahawks and airing the three-part series in the run-up to the climax of the season because of course Seattle went on to reach their first-ever Super Bowl at the 40th attempt.

Strange in the head

God knows what excitement that triggered in the household of Mr and Mrs Seahawk (their official names), Seattle’s most committed fans. And so they should be – committed, I mean. On the day of a match Mrs Seahawk is up at 4am (no doubt sleepless in Seattle) to paint her face. I have a wife like that. They don’t return home – after a day spent doing what Americans do best… eating – until 9pm. She’s a waitress, he’s a truck-driver – both are lunatics. They reminded me of that survey that said 94% of Americans believe in God, the other 6% believe they are God.

Beyond The NFLproducers tried to inject a slice of humour when Johnson and James were put through their paces at the Seahawks training camp but this was a double act with two straight men – the first since Mike and Bernie Winters. There was no repartee between the two. No banter. No bonhomie. James looked as comfortable in front of the cameras as he does behind the Manchester City back four.

But the first episode wasn’t all bad. I didn’t know, for instance, that American Football attracts more viewers in the States than basketball, baseball and ice hockey combined.

I didn’t know that the ten most-watched shows in American TV history are all Super Bowls.

I didn’t know that there were only two natural blondes among the Seahawk cheeleaders.

And I didn’t know that an NFL side’s luggage for an away trip fills the bottom of a 757 plane (I have a wife like that).

I did know, however, that pairing Johnson and James for an expensively-made three-part series was a gamble that was never likely to come off.