Jackass!

	Stone-cold bluffing is about the worst thing you can do against this type of donkey

If you’re not entirely sure what a donkey is, just think of the last time someone called your all-in check-raise with bottom pair and hit trips on the river. Got that player in your head? That’s class-A donkey for you. They make terrible plays, awful bets and absolutely ludicrous calls. They can be infuriating to play against, but over time, of course, they’ll be giving you chips and cash hand over fist. Learn what it is that makes your donkey start racing and flash a carrot or brandish a stick accordingly…

THE FLUSH DONKEY

The flush donkey loves suited cards. So much so that pretty much any two will do. If the flop comes down with a flush draw he’ll call almost any bet on the flop, convinced that the fifth of his suit must arrive. The thought that someone else may have a bigger draw than his Nine-high doesn’t even cross his mind, nor does the fact that he may be getting the wrong price to draw.

What you should be doing

These donks will only flop four to a flush draw 11.8% of the time, but when they do they’ll be very stubborn about it and simply won’t fold. If you’re both fairly deep-stacked you want to charge a heavy price for them to see the turn, but try to avoid getting it all-in if your tournament life depends upon it.

It can often be better to hold off from making a big move until the turn, when there is only one card to come and it’s easier to give them incorrect odds to draw. Charge them the wrong price (with nine outs they are 4/1 to hit on the river), safe in the knowledge that even if they call and make their flush you made the right play.

How to avoid making an ass of yourself

Don’t give too many free cards, as if they have a flush draw on the flop they’ll get there by the river about 35% of the time. If the flush does come, make sure you don’t pot- commit yourself.

Frustration rating: 3/10

THE CALLING STATION DONKEY

They never bet, they never raise, they hardly ever fold but they will limp – a lot. It’s almost universally true that calling stations limp with weak hands but that they rarely limp and fold in the same betting round. Also, the calling station donkeys take trapping and slow-playing to a whole new level. They might have the near nuts or they might have third pair. You’ll often be left wondering what exactly was going through their heads when they show their hand and you’ll always come up with the same answer: nothing.

What you should be doing

Once you’ve pegged your donkey as a calling station you’ll find them very easy to play. Bet strong hands like top pair/top kicker hard on the flop to charge a premium on any outdraw. Also make sure to bet near-nut hands such as sets and top two-pair because the donkey will call with all sorts of hands. Above all, reduce your bluffing frequency against these players as they won’t fold. Semi-bluffing with something like A?-K? on a 10?-8?-2? board is still the right thing to do, as if you do hit you’ll be able to milk plenty more chips from their stack.

How to avoid making an ass of yourself

Stone-cold bluffing is about the worst thing you can do against this type of Equus asinus. Wait until you have the goods and value-bet them into oblivion.

Frustration rating: 6/10

THE POCKET PAIR DONKEY

Being dealt any pair is a green light for this donkey to pin its ears back, stick its head down and gallop full- pelt towards the finish line. They will call all-in with any pair, or even re- raise all-in without any fold equity, because, well… it’s a pair!

What you should be doing

The fact that they love pocket pairs means that if you raise them with big Aces like A-K, A-Q or A-J you’ll be on the wrong side of a race if they shove on you. That said, they’ll often be giving you the correct odds to call. If they’re happy to risk it all with any wired pair then raising them with weak hands is inadvisable, as they’ll have a wider shoving range than most.

How to avoid making an ass of yourself

Raising and then folding to a shove is just not on if you know this donk is willing to toss it in with pocket Fours. Yes, your A-Q might occasionally be crushed but it will often be racing, while calling with pocket Nines (which you’d toss against many other opponents) could easily see you enter a juicy pot as a 4/1 favourite.

Frustration rating: 4/10

THE MEGA-OVERBET DONKEY

The blinds are 15/30 and this donk open-raises to 360 or in some cases open-shoves for an insane amount. It’s not sophisticated – they obviously have no idea how to play anything approaching basic poker. There’s only one thing this type of player knows how to do and that is wait until they get Jacks or better and then hit the all-in button. There’s also the post-flop overbet, when they’ll think nothing of going all-in for 5000 chips into a 1000 chip pot to ‘protect’ their hand.

What you should be doing

It’s simple to play this donkey. When the stacks are deep pre-flop, you pass anything that isn’t premium and hope that you get their chips before someone else does. On later streets their overbets are a giveaway that they don’t have a super-strong hand so just wait until you do and snap it off.

How to avoid making an ass of yourself

Don’t call off all your chips with Tens or Ace-Queen. The range that you’re up against is not going to be good for you at all. Don’t feel like you’re being bullied. Let them get on with their amateur antics and wait until they get picked off when they run into Aces or Kings.

Frustration rating: 3/10

THE BLIND DONKEY

This donkey once heard two-time World Series Main Event winner Johnny Chan joking that he never leaves ‘his children’ out there and took it to heart. As a result he defends his blind every single time someone raises him – and because he’s hit a monster a couple of times he’ll happily hee-haw into the hand with any suited connector, weak Ace or, in fact, any collection of face cards.

What you should be doing

How annoying it is to play against this donk depends on how they play post- flop. The fact is they’ll be playing out of position against you every single time they defend their blind, which gives you a huge advantage. There will be times that they’ll flop big against you, but such instances will be massively outweighed by the times you can take the pot with a simple continuation bet.

How to avoid making an ass of yourself

Don’t assume that they’re trapping you just because they check the flop. They’ll miss more often than not, so even if they call your first bet, firing a second barrel (stacks permitting), will usually get them to pass their hand.

Frustration rating: 7/10

THE STEAMING TILT DONKEY

This carrot-muncher has just been forced to eat felt and they’re not happy about it. They’re about to get busy by blasting out big bets and making horrible snap- calls when they know they’re behind. They’re a whirling maelstrom of hind legs and gnashing teeth and will lash out at anything that gets in their way.

What you should be doing

First, you still need a solid starting hand against them because any hand is going to showdown and more often than not will be all-in pre-flop. But you can drop your hand standards when heads-up with them. Limping with big hands is a viable tactic, as they’ll often juice the pot for you and then you can move all- in. Keeping it cheap pre-flop is almost impossible, so hands such as small pairs lose value and you’re best getting out of the way until they’ve returned to playing (relatively) normal poker.

How to avoid making an ass of yourself

Making a re-steal against this donkey, especially out of position, is not a wise idea, as they will call you down out of sheer spite. Shrugging a tilting player off is not going to be easy so don’t create a big pot without a big hand.

Frustration rating: 2/10

THE DRUNK DONKEY

Sozzled donkeys are easy to spot in the flesh. They loudly bray as they splash their chips into each and every pot. Online you can expect to find a few of these on a Friday and Saturday night – look out for erratic bets and incoherent chatbox ramblings. Some will play loose and careless, calling you down with any ridiculous draw, while others will play an angry game, aggressively betting and raising with their focus on winning pots rather than winning chips.

What you should be doing

Shove value bet after value bet into the loose/careless drunks and trap the aggro drunks on the flop before check- raising all-in on the turn.

How to avoid making an ass of yourself

Don’t play them at their own game. The aggro drunk is just as likely to shove after you’ve shown strength by re-raising, which is great if you have Queens, but not so hot if you were just trying to take the wind out of their sails.

Frustration rating: 8/10

THE KNOW-IT-ALL DONKEY

Every major pro, no matter how many bracelets adorn his or her wrist, has admitted that they still have something to learn about the game (Phil Hellmuth may be the exception that proves the rule). The know-it-all donkey playing the $5 sit-and-go you’ve just started however, does not. And despite this they still seem to think they have the gamble of Farha, the steel of Ivey and the post- flop play and banter of Negreanu. No, they are just irritating.

What you should be doing

When you smell the acrid guff of a jumped up 19-year-old know-it-all starting to emanate through your chatbox you’re being given priceless information. They are almost certainly an ABC player. They will flat-call with pairs to hit sets. They will raise with big pairs and big Aces. In fact, they will pretty much play their hands face up, allowing you to run rings around them and sidestep their big hands.

How to avoid making an ass of yourself

Don’t let yourself get wound up by their snide comments. If you want to wind them up and send them on tilt, they will almost certainly be susceptible to a couple of comments like ‘lol – you really don’t understand what you’re talking about, do you?’ They will try and trap you after you’ve baited them though. Be warned!

Frustration rating: 9/10