Watch out! Poker on TV could be a bad education

If you nip down to your local park at the weekend, you’ll probably see a Sunday league footballer rolling around in the penalty box. The injured party will have theatrically hurled himself to the ground over someone’s outstretched leg, and the ref will be surrounded by players waving their arms around in a bid to encourage a red card.

It’s no surprise really – it’s natural for people to replicate what they see the professionals doing on TV. Well, poker’s no different to football in that respect. It’s too easy to start misbehaving and carrying on like you’re the new Hold’em world champion after every pot you take down. And while it’s okay to celebrate and enjoy yourself when you’re playing, there’s a line you really shouldn’t cross. Here, then, are a few lessons from TV for you to learn from, and not repeat, at home…

Don’t act like an idiot after you win a hand

LESSON COURTESY OF HEVAD KHAN

When you win a hand in poker you should act graciously, no matter how big or important it is. Of course, it’s understandable to release a loud exclamation when your Ace spikes on the river to crush your opponent’s pocket Kings. But it’s not acceptable to start dancing around the room, shouting and screaming at the top of your voice like you’ve just scored in the FA Cup final.

Hevad Khan may have finished sixth in the 2007 WSOP Main Event for $956,243, but he also rubbed a lot of players up the wrong way for his terrible table etiquette. Khan had been guzzling the energy drink Red Bull pretty much non-stop throughout his seven days of play. It led to lots of fist shaking and dancing at the table, not to mention shouting ‘Bulldozer!’ as he aggressively waged a one-man raising war. It may have guaranteed him some TV time and exposure but for all the wrong reasons.

Don’t act like this at the table unless you want to become a figure of hate. To be fair to Khan, at least he’s learnt his lesson and is now a picture of serenity at the tables.

Don’t give acid rubdowns

LESSON COURTESY OF TONY G

When you win a hand against a player you should attempt to suppress a smug grin while mentally noting the mistake your opponent made. What you shouldn’t do is encourage better play from them in the future by telling them how they screwed up – and with some of the worst trash talk around.

Australian motormouth Tony G was born in Lithuania, which might explain why during the Intercontinental Poker Championship he takes such glee in berating the Russian representative Ralph Perry. The hand in question sees Tony G bully Perry so much that he eventually calls all-in with K-J.

Tony G turns over A-2, which holds up, and Perry is knocked out, sending the big Australian into overdrive: ‘Come on, Russian, get out. It’s time to go… You are a terrible player.’ Tony G points out that calling all-in with K-J is not something to learn from, but then again neither is his outburst. It’s hard enough to get an edge playing poker, without educating the other players around the table!

Don’t give away schoolboy tells

LESSON COURTESY OF JENNIFER TILLY

Whether you like it or not, you emit tells. But you can do a lot to cover most of them up. Learn to maintain a poker face, wear a hood or simply go into shutdown each time you get in a big hand. What you don’t want to do is make it easy for your opponents to pick up on your signals, which is exactly what Jennifer Tilly does in the Poker After Dark series when she flops a set of Jacks against Patrik Antonius. Tilly is wearing a low cut top and her heaving bosom goes into Mills and Boon overdrive, to the extent that had a fourth Jack appeared on the turn, one of them may well have popped out!

If you’re playing live poker make sure you dress appropriately so that giveaway areas are out of sight. Cover your chest, neck or entire head if you think that you need to – the last thing that you want is for your body to unconsciously let everyone know what you’re holding.

Don’t get drunk and abusive at the table

LESSON COURTESY OF SCOTTY NGUYEN

Being the first – and only – player to win the WSOP Main Event and $50,000 H.O.R.S.E. should have been cause for celebration, but the self-proclaimed ‘Prince of Poker’ turned into the ‘Prince of Darkness’ as he drunkenly swore his way through the final stages of this year’s mega event. Chain-drinking bottles of lager, Scotty got carried away and started flashing his cards to the audience of poker fans behind him, not to mention bad mouthing the players and dealers at the table. Even Full Tilt pro Erick Lindgren found himself on the receiving end, and vocally severed his ties with Nguyen: ‘I ain’t on Team Scotty. Never have. Never will. How about that buddy? You lost me.’

Scotty’s behaviour was made to look even worse as he also won the Chip Reese Memorial Trophy in honour of the event’s 2006 winner who died last year. His actions couldn’t have contrasted more greatly than with Reese’s mild-mannered, respectable and honest approach to the game. Despite Nguyen’s apology his reputation has been tarnished, and so will yours if you act in a similar way.

Don’t reveal yourself as a donkey

LESSON COURTESY OF JENNIFER TILLY

Jennifer Tilly’s second lesson comes from the same hand as before. She has top set on a flop of 10?-J?-7? and bets out. Patrik Antonius has 10?-8? and calls the half-pot bet with second pair and a gutshot. The turn is the K? and both players check. The river is a second King giving Tilly a full house and almost certainly the winning hand. Antonius checks to Tilly for the third time and incredibly she checks behind. Antonius shows his pair of Tens and then laughs when he sees her boat. The looks of utter amazement and confusion around the table, particularly on Phil Ivey and Jen Harman’s faces, are priceless. Tilly then makes things worse by saying to Antonius, ‘I thought you had pocket Kings.’ D’oh! Always give yourself time to think about what you’re going to do or you’ll make fundamental errors, which will cost you a lot in terms of chips and humility.

Don’t slow-roll the nuts

LESSON COURTESY OF RAM VASWANI

Hendon Mob man Ram Vaswani is an established pro and you’d think he’d know better than to slow-roll the nuts. But on Day 2a of last year’s WSOPE Main Event Vaswani he does exactly that. In a hand against Jeff Garza, Ram flops the nut flush and Garza moves all-in. Vaswani briefly goes into the tank before saying, ‘I guess I have to call.’ Make sure you don’t do the same in your local home game/casino/ pub, because everyone will just hate you for it.
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Don’t whinge about your bad beat, just leave

LESSON COURTESY OF PHIL HELLMUTH

You’ve just been knocked out and it sucks. You haven’t had a hand or decent spot to make a move all night, and when you finally hit a straight someone else rivers a flush. That, as they say, is poker. During these bad times you should stand up, walk away, and do whatever you can to forget about the awful session you’ve just had. That doesn’t involve hanging around the table like a bad smell telling all and sundry about the terrible hands you’ve had – they know! They were sat at the table, too, so let them carry on with the game in peace.

Phil Hellmuth is one of the worst offenders when it comes to this crime, as he wanders around the table – talking to the camera more than the players themselves admittedly – spouting about how unlucky he’s been.

If it’s irritating when one of the most successful tournament players ever does it, do you think it will be any less when you do? People will just think you’re more than a little annoying and it could stop you being invited back to a home game in the future. Just remember, no one likes a bad loser.

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