Top 10 things to do before you die

1. OPEN YOUR OWN ‘TEDDY KGB’-STYLE POKER ROOM

In the old days it was traditional to blow any money collected through redundancy, retirement or lottery on a tacky bar in Tenerife. Half the money would be spent doing the place up, the rest would be spent on booze, and then you’d be shut down three weeks later, a total failure. Now, any sudden windfall must be used to create the seediest, smelliest, ugliest poker room imaginable. Resplendent with bare brick and dripping ceilings, your club must attract only the dodgiest kind of poker scum, battling it out for their giros every night. Shouting, swearing and bare-knuckle fighting are to be encouraged. You should be open for no more than four weeks before being declared bankrupt or burning the place down for the insurance.

2. CREATE A NEW ‘STYLE’ IN POKER

If Raymer can wear those stupid glasses, Laak can wear a hoody, and Jac Arama can… well, just look like a total cock whatever he does, you can certainly carve out some niche for yourself in the ‘poker style’ department. Wear your pants on your head, balance chips on your nose, bark like a seal on the river… We don’t care what you do, but do it first and become a trend-setter.

3. WIN ENTRY TO A BIG LIVE TOURNAMENT FOR FREE

It seems these days you can’t move for lucky bastards who’ve won their way to the Bellagio, Foxwoods or the Bicycle Club on some freebie sign-up token from an online casino, so why not you? Never mind all that ‘playing good poker’ nonsense – just join a site, make a deposit and take your free entry tokens. If you don’t win, cash out and move on to the next site. You cheap, pikey bastard.

4. GET CAUGHT CHEATING AND TAKE A BEATING

‘Aren’t you supposed to read us our rights?’ Worm (Ed Norton) famously asks in classic poker movie, Rounders, just before having the absolute shit kicked out of him by a bunch of ‘municipal workers’. We don’t care how you do it, the important thing is to get caught. Swipe chips, bring marked cards to the table, whatever works for you. Just take a royal pasting, okay?

5. WIN A WSOP BRACELET

It’s an obvious choice and chances are it’s never going to happen. But like hitchhiking your way across America, skydiving for charity or sleeping with identical twins from Sweden, it has to be done before you’re touched by the icy finger of death. It doesn’t matter what game you enter, or even if you don wig, dress and lippy to enter a ladies only event, just get it done.

6. HAVE A STAND-UP SHOUTING MATCH WITH PHIL HELLMUTH

He might be a brilliant poker player and a generally nice bloke, but at one point or another we’ve all wanted to give the ‘Poker Brat’ a good slap. Local law prohibits such action, but there’s nothing to stop you from winding Hellmuth up until he blows his top. Be a man, stand on your chair, put your fingers in your ears and shout ‘I’m not listening! I’m not listening!’ Brilliant.

7. VAGUELY UNDERSTAND ODDS

ll the commentators seem to know what they’re talking about, so why don’t you? ‘Flopping a flush is 188/1 you say? Oh… erm… yes, I knew that. No, seriously, I did.’ Let’s be honest though, even when you’re looking at a board of K-K-J-J-Q, you’re never letting go of your precious pocket Aces; but at least try to learn some of the basic statistics that explain why you should.

8. EARN A GENUINE POKER NICKNAME

Don’t be one of those morons who swaggers up to a table and says, ‘Everyone calls me Python.’ No they don’t, Dwayne, they call you ‘Tosser’. Show some style, have some class and play against quality opponents until a proper nickname comes your way. Maybe one never will, but remember: truly great poker nicknames are like a good poo – if you try to force them, they’ll never come.

9. RISK SOMETHING YOU CARE ABOUT

Hey big spender! Never mind the ‘massive’ $0.10-$0.20 online cash game that you frequently ‘own’ (right up until you’ve doubled your stake and run away) – get into a seriously scary live game and throw your guitar/car/ husband/wife/Millennium Falcon into the pot. Scared money never won a thing, and it’s only once you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything. Apparently.

10. MAKE AN APPEARANCE IN A TELEVISED TOURNAMENT

It was television that got you into poker, and now poker can get you into television. Dazzle the world (well, the 500 people watching if it’s the Poker Channel) with your silky skills and become a known name (avoid ‘Loser’ and ‘Dead Money’ if at all possible). So get yourself into as many WPT and WSOP satellites as you can in the hope of getting a place sitting next to Messrs Ivey and Hellmuth.