Poker Addict

Shalom, baby! Do you remember how you learnt to play poker? I barely do, so lost in years of decadence have the beginnings of this habit become. But however you learn, there’s no doubt it has had a big effect on how you play. In my case, it turns out learning from old books and old people on limit games makes you tight – something I have since over-corrected.

Because of this I feel a special responsibility when I introduce people to poker – sometimes I’ll be giving them a new hobby, sometimes I’ll be boring them, and sometimes I’ll be the catalyst for their slow slide into the all-consuming poker void.

Last month I went to Israel to do some work for an online poker site. Part of my time there involved teaching a big group of people how to play poker. My group of young poker wannabes were fun and a bit challenging. Israelis tend to be very direct; if they have a question, they’ll ask you, and sometimes it sounds like a statement.

After a period of crosscultural adjustment I set about convincing them poker wasn’t gambling. This was partly because I like to teach people the truth from the outset, and partly because professional gamblers are frowned upon in Jewish law and I wanted to be accepted.

Overall it was a great week, and I think I successfully created several new addicts in a foreign land. One of the interesting things to emerge is that when you teach people poker, wherever it is, several ‘types’ become apparent. So, for your reading pleasure, here are the types I see all the time. Which type are you?

The ‘I don’t get its…’
These include those who haven’t been listening, don’t care, or are totally cretinous. They don’t get the rules, don’t get what a flush is, don’t get what a heart is. Strangely, one thing that occurs a lot is people thinking they’ve got a flush or straight with only four cards. It’s important not to point this out to them until the end of the hand… it’s the only way they’ll learn.

The ‘I need to see what I would have had’ type
A certain section of the population just can’t bear to throw their hand away at any stage – the idea that they might have won and missed out fills them with dread. Sometimes these types are naturally this way, and sometimes they’re created when they muck something like J-3 early in their first ever game, only for the flop to come J-J-3. They’ll never make that mistake again.

The ‘happy families’ type
Some people want it all to be friendly, co-operative and nice. They feel pleased for other people when they have a winning hand. They want to see other people’s cards and don’t bet too much with a big hand, because they don’t want to take their friends’ chips. Sadly, for humanity, this group is very small.

The natural
Every once in a while you’ll come across someone with innate card sense. They don’t know the fundamentals of the game as they’ve only just learnt the rules, but their instincts are uncanny.

The ‘I think I’m a natural’
Most teachers will tell you it’s a law of nature that whenever more than 15 people are gathered together in one learning group one will emerge who is – and this is a technical educational term – a cocky twat. In teaching poker this is always someone who has played ‘a bit’. Because their knowledge is slightly ahead of the group they will start advising their table and explaining to other people when they’ve played ‘wrong’. They are really, really, really great fun.

The bluffer
Usually there will be one or two in the group who can’t stop bluffing. They’ll play every hand and usually they’ll raise. Interestingly – and I’m still not sure why – when they bluff, they’ll usually raise the minimum. Also interestingly they are often female.

The ‘What’s the correct thing to do here?’ brigade
These people are good at learning stuff, but learn by strict rules. As such, they grasp how to play quickly, but then get very confused by the fact that for everything you should do in poker there’s a situation where you should do the opposite. (It’s with some shame I have to add myself to the last group.)

Finally, there is a subset to this group called the ‘What if…’ brigade. These will have grasped that poker is a situational game, so they will explore fully each and every situation. What if he had K-Q instead? What if he wasn’t all-in? What if he’s bluffing? What if I’m getting slightly under pot odds, but may have implied odds and aren’t sure?

To which the answer should always be, ‘Sorry I’d luurrrve to help you further but I’m only paid for the day and the beach is calling.’

Armed with these cautionary notes go forth and spread the poker word to those who have not encountered its magnificent truths. Remember, we always need fresh meat.