David ‘Lildave’ Nicholson solves the UK’s financial problems
All I hear these days from the real world is moaning. It’s recession this, double dip that, cut-backs here and a general canvassing of seemingly never ending doom and gloom. Luckily for the real world, I’m here now and how am I going to save the world? Simple: I’m going to think like a gambler!
Time to flip!
The phrase ‘waiting for a good spot’ is well known in poker. In simple terms it means you know you have to gamble at some point, otherwise you’ll just blind down to having no chips left. So you’re looking for a good spot where you can get your money in and hopefully double up!
Let’s look at Europe. We’ve got some pretty short stacks knocking about such as Greece and Spain. so what do we do? Well how about one coin toss overseen by a neutral and impartial adjudicator (most likely an Australian) and the winner gets everything the other country has. We’re gonna lose some pretty great places, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Bankroll Management
Bankroll management (BRM) is a topic that’s been written about in gambling more times than most Tories have eaten Dover Sole off the back of their Filipino servants. The premise of BRM is simple. an aggressive approach to BRM would be to risk 15% of your bankroll at any one time, passive BRM would be to say risk 2% of it at any one time. I’ve seen a few people blow through some pretty big bankrolls in my time, but what Gordon Brown did…holy struth! What a spewy reckless punter that guy was.
Apparently our national deficit (in other words the government debt) is £1 trillion. One trillion pounds! Let’s face it, we’re in a hole, and when you’re in a hole you’ve got to be aggressive. Sadly we’re short on options, but fortunately we have some outs. The first thing I’d do is give about £5 billion to Sam Trickett, and send him to Macau to play £5m/£10m for a few weeks. Hopefully he comes home with about £20bn. It’s not enough, but we can spend it on an educational program, teaching people not to be so damn clumsy.
Apparently 30,000 people were injured doing DIY last year. Come on people, nurses don’t grow on trees! We’re doing our pieces day after day, but still have to fork out much needed cash because Graham from Didsbury has superglued part of an IKEA cabinet to his leg. The next thing is important. We don’t need any more work doing on the motorways! God knows how much cash we spunk employing people in shiny jackets to move traffic cones around the M1. This will stop straightaway. The money saved will be given to Jake Cody to go on a roulette spin after midnight.
Ban the Americans
As you will probably all recall April 15 2011, or as it is known in the poker world ‘Black friday’. This was the day the FBI and department of Justice shut down online poker in america and as a result the games have got way easier! So I’d do that with politics as well, even more so now they are kind of busto and we can no longer nip them. If any Americans want to play politics in Europe they’ll have to move to Mexico and open up a bank account, otherwise they are not permitted to contribute to our politics.
We’re trying to rebuild and last thing we need is those bunch of degens trying to get us to buy action in military campaigns. We need to be sucking up to China and russia like school children. let’s face it, when times are tough you gotta go where credit’s best!
So next time you’re staring out the window, thinking about the doom and gloom you’ll be leaving your children’s children, don’t worry because me and my merry bank of gambling ideas will save this country and bring it back to our former power!
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